It’s time to move on. That’s what I keep telling myself. When I wake up in the middle of the night feeling sad, when I rehash things over and over in my mind, when emotions rise to the surface, I push it all away and sternly tell myself, it’s time to move on. And it is.
How long is long enough? It’s a new year now. The perfect time to put the past behind me, take up my sword and fight another day. I’m ready. I’m willing. I’m accepting new challenges, and finding new ways to become myself again. But at the same time, I’m struggling to let go.
It hurts to move on.
That is a reality I am beginning to come to terms with. The feeling that things will never be the same again. The past belongs in the past, and a bright and beautiful future beckons. God has a plan for my life, and even through this difficult time, I have seen his fingerprints everywhere.
But there is something so comforting about the familiar. The longing that I feel sometimes for the way things used to be takes me by surprise. Because I want to be strong. I want to stick with my decision to move on, and never think about it again. Onwards and upwards for me. If only my pesky emotions would cooperate.
There are times when I just feel sad.
Why are some days harder than others? I asked that question of a friend today. I knew she didn’t have the answer, neither did I. But I needed someone to know I was hurting. And she responded with an offer to pray. How beautiful that God allows me to walk alongside such people.
I want to forgive and forget, but sometimes I wonder. Forgive yes. But forget? I don’t know. Does God want me to remember, not so I can grow bitter and angry, but so I can look back and see how far He’s brought me? So I won’t ever dismiss the lessons I’ve learned, or hopefully make the same mistakes again.
God is faithful and just and I know that He’s with me.
In my weakest moments, I remind myself that “I can do all things, through Christ who strengthens me”. There is a plan and a purpose for my life, and I want to step into it. It’s time. My past has shaped me into who I am today, and strengthened me for the way forward. But now I have to leave it behind.
I’m ready for a new season.
Moving on might be difficult at times, but it is so much better than being stuck. We all have to decide whether to carry our pain ourselves, or give it God and see what He can make out of it. As Joseph said, “you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good.” God doesn’t cause our suffering, but He certainly won’t waste the opportunity to turn it into our greatest testimony.
And it’s this truth that keeps me moving forward.